I don’t think this is a unique feeling, but I don’t really know what I am doing. To be honest, I’m not sure anyone fully does. Some people think they do, or others act like they do (shoutout one of my old blogs), but life is far too complicated for me to feel confident that a single person on Earth has got it all figured out. Anyone who might “know everything” probably feels complacent and finds a new job, or picks up a new hobby, and all of a sudden that aspect of their life is new and unknown. I’m 23, and logically I understand it is a ridiculous thought to feel as though I am somehow behind the 8 ball and a step behind my peers just because I feel lost at times, but logic doesn’t always prevail. My brain is hyper aware of when I feel lost, and it feels I am more intensely conscious of that emotion more than almost any other one I feel. Not the feeling of success when I do something right, or the burst of creativity when the juices start flowing, but the pit of despair when I feel like I am walking through fog without a map. This awareness is the place I probably differ more from the average person. That isn’t to say I am the only one who feels it so strongly, just that I would venture to guess a lot of people are able to move past that feeling easier than me.
I think it stems from a fear of becoming someone I don’t want to be, and more than anything I never want to lose self awareness or to become blindingly confident/cocky. Some of the most frustrating people for me to work with are those who have a “I am right, you are wrong” mentality with zero wiggle room for believing that just maybe they have something to learn from other people sometimes. That being said, in avoiding becoming that person and making sure I stay flexible in learning from others, I become hyper aware of my lack of knowledge, especially when comparing what I don’t know to those who do. I have my strengths and weaknesses in knowledge like anyone does, and also like most people there is not a single topic in which I am the most in the know; because of that I will always find myself comparing what I do (or more so don’t) know to someone who knows more. I work in the pool industry and know more about pool construction and pool chemistry than probably 95% of people, but I am also working closely with many people within the 5% who know more, and I become hyper aware of the things I don’t know and have to ask about constantly yet rarely consider the people who would see me as the full on expert.
This is all to say that despite feeling so unconfident in myself and so aware of how much I don’t know, it never stops me from “driving” through life (sorry I gotta connect it to Sunday Driving somehow). Even in moments where I feel frozen with indecision and unknowingness, I still have to move forward with my life. I can’t let the fear of being wrong or the fear of being seen as a “fraud” stop me from waking up each day and doing what needs to be done. So it is this crossroads I am at in my life. Not a crossroad of decisions, but a crossroad of fear and growth, and the longer I look at it the longer I realize they are the same road. That everything that scares me about life is the exact direction I need to walk towards. I fear more than anything else that someone calls me out for being wrong when I so confidently think I am right, yet I can’t start to learn without admitting I need teaching. So here I am, not knowing much, but knowing that not knowing is an important step in growing (I can’t tell if that is a sick bar or super lame).
As I have said before and will continue to say, this blog is not to try and share some sage old wisdom I have. I am a 23 year old who still feels like a kid, the only reason I am writing is to clear my head of some of my annoying ramblings and knowing that some people might stupidly choose to read them. That doesn’t mean there’s nothing for other people to learn or gain from what I say, it just means not everybody will have something to learn or gain, and that’s ok with me. Even if nobody ever reads these or cares about them, I found another way to help express how I feel and share some of my thoughts out into the world, and that would be ok with me.
For now,
Just a guy talking to himself
Sunday Driving Pod 