Riding Shotgun With Me

When I say riding shotgun, I don’t mean that literally. Like all of these blogs, I have to make it relevant to driving, I mean metaphorically riding shotgun with me through life. If you got a front row seat to the life of Spencer, what would you learn that other people don’t? Even someone in a back seat or a car parked next to me wouldn’t learn the small intimate details about me that few get to know; the good, the bad, and everything in between. I’m not some secret evil overlord with a laundry list of flaws I keep hidden and I’m not a covert saint doing hidden acts of service all day. I’m a pretty normal guy who does his best to be a good person, but like anyone there are parts of me I don’t enjoy, and there are parts of me others find inimitable and unique (after using inimitable casually and correctly, I’ve decided to try and use at least one fancy word in each blog). Today’s blog will go into those character traits that are behind the curtain of intimate friendships and relationships.

Let’s peel back the harder part of today, those personal flaws that I do my best to hide from people but are also dastardly important in me being who I am. My anxiety is far from a secret; I’ve become very at peace with what it is and don’t run from admitting it. That being said, a lot of the truly difficult side effects of my anxiety are a little more hidden. My body is hyper aware of trying to understand the feelings of others, I’m sure I’m not always right, but I spend a lot of time reading body language, verbiage, and the general mood of those around me, especially people I am close to. The negative comes into play when I read what I view as an undesirable emotion without a clear motivation, and my body will make up some reason I caused or am the root of that emotion. With friends I’ll assume a lull in conversation or dip in a mood is because I made a joke that was *that* bad or was overwhelming the room (that one is probably more realistic to be fair). With family I’ll take tense moments as an oncoming conflict that started because I became a road block in a decision. With strangers I’ll read a closed off nature as a poor first impression by me. In all of these moments I feel an overwhelming need to make up for a fault my brain made up. I’ll try to crack another joke, I’ll change my decision, or I’ll overcompensate my personality. This is what I view as my greatest flaw I want to correct; not only an over assumption of others moods, but a nagging need to correct how they feel by myself. Outside of that, I also can’t run away from my anxiety no matter what I do. I feel a sense of dread that despite the pain and suffering it causes me, that it is also why I am who I am. I can logically explain that any positives I gain from it could continue into a post-anxiety life, but I can never take the full leap into committing myself to take major steps in getting rid of anxiety. All the other things that really *flatten my tire* (future blog by the way) can almost always tie back to my anxiety, so maybe one day I can cut that dead root.

But for now, I take the time to still focus on my positive traits. Anxiety or not, I really truly deeply care about other people. If I could have one thing in life, it would be the reputation of someone who uplifts others. Even with someone I just met, my brain is automatically on a “what can I do to make this person’s day better” wavelength. I also have a weirdly in depth knowledge of the NBA. That isn’t as heartfelt as the rest of the blog, but I usually keep that side of me out of the sunlight because it can be a bit odd so it fits the prompt. I also very rarely need to ask a question or be taught something twice. I take pride in being a sponge of knowledge, so learning from others and retaining that knowledge is important to me. I also do my best to never forget someone, at least not entirely. If we meet once and run into each other months later, I may not remember you entirely, but I will know we’ve met and have at least some memory of that meeting. Ideally this list of positive traits is a little bit longer, but that’s about all I’ve got for now. Whether this is from not having more positive traits I like or being uncomfortable with tooting my own horn, that’s it for today.  

Sincerely,

Just a guy talking to himself